A StarTrek TNG parody                                                                                        

Chapter I – How it started…

The two women left the shopping mall and walked to their cars on the now deserted parking. They were the only people in the street. It was approaching midnight and the air was warm and balmy.

“Oh, what a beautiful night”, sighed Frieda, the taller of the two.

“Too warm for my taste. I like it cooler. Look, it is technically still winter and I am walking outside in the middle of the night without a sweater,” replied her companion Jane.

“Just look up at the starry sky and enjoy this gorgeous night”, insisted Frieda, tilting her head and taking a deep breath.

When Jane also looked up, they were suddenly staring at a blinding light.                     

“What the…” and then they both lost all sense of time and surroundings.

 “Where are we?” said Jane, the first one to come to grips with the circumstances.

Frieda looked around in a daze, wondering if anyone had spiked her soft drink during dinner.

They were standing in a corridor. “It looks like we are in some kind of a high tech building”, remarked Frieda.

“No”, replied Jane, peering carefully around her, “it looks like….”

They looked at one another in stunned silence and said at the same time “Starship Enterprise!”

“This is great!”, exclaimed Frieda. "I never dreamed about you and SF before. Great!”

“Are you sure this is a dream?”, answered Jane, “it seems awfully real for one”.

“Any alternative theories?” asked Frieda.

“I suppose not, so what do we do now? I need to be home shortly, my kids are waiting for me”.

“If we follow the corridor to that door, we might find an exit,” suggested Frieda.

They walked to the door that looked firmly closed, with no visual ways of opening it.

“Let’s try our magnetic cards on that wall panel”, suggested Jane. She held the magnetic strip of her employee card and set off an intruder alarm.

“Well, at least somebody will open this door,” remarked Frieda and the door swooshed open as she spoke. In front of them stood a giant, dressed in a gold and black uniform. He was at least 6 foot ten, broad shouldered, dark skinned, with what appeared to be ridges on this forehead and nose. His shoulder long hair was swept in a ponytail and he sported a neat beard.

He was pointing a lethal looking device at them. Behind him were two more uniformed persons, obviously backup.

“I am Commander Worf, security officer of the USS Enterprise and I want to know who you are and how you entered this ship!” he barked in a sonorous voice.

 “Not hot on social graces, is he?” Frieda whispered to her friend.

“Well, since this is all dream, I will just walk through him and that’s that”, she said. With a smile she walked briskly towards the giant and propelled herself into his muscular chest. “I am not amused”, grumbled the giant looking down and forcefully removing her from his person.

“Bad strategy”, mumbled Frieda, dizzily shaking her head, “he is supposed to be non-tangible”.

“I am taking both of you into custody. Follow me to the bridge”, continued the Worf person, taking each woman by an arm and dragging them along.

“Could you please slow down?” enquired Jane politely. “We have to run to keep up with you.” “Ggrumpff”, came the answer, but he relaxed his grip and slowed down.

They were pushed in a turbo lift that took them to the bridge.

“Captain, here they are”, announced Worf pushing both women forwards.

They were standing in an oval shaped computer room, occupied by several uniformed persons of various races and sexes.

On one side was a huge panorama window that showed a part of a galaxy.

They saw some star clusters and a planet with several satellite moons around it.

“Recognize anything?” a cultured upper-class British voice asked.

It belonged to a dapper looking, bold man in a captain’s uniform.

 “I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise and these are my officers:

Commander Riker (indicating a tall, muscular, bearded man in his late thirties), Commander Data (nodding at an extremely pale, yellow-eyed, slim man with a blank expression on his face), Commander Geordi LaForge (indicating a slim dark skinned man wearing what seems to be high-tech sunglasses), Dr. Beverly Crusher (pointing at an attractive red-haired woman about their age) and Counselor Deanna Troy (waving at a Mediterranean looking woman dressed in a tight fitting gown that showed a lot of cleavage).

“Now, if you don’t mind, I would like to know who you are, what your intentions are, where you came from and how you got on my ship”, he finished.

Looking at one another, they answered that they were Jane and Frieda, on their way back home from a girls-night out. Their intention was to get home and go to sleep. They could not wait until this vivid dream ended.

“Where is home?” inquired Riker, “ Please specify planet coordinates and stardate”.

After seeing the bewildered look that passed between the two friends, Mr. Data remarked that they might be from a pre-warp culture. “They seem to be humanoid, female and they dress and speak equivalent to 21^st Century Earth inhabitants from the Northern Hemisphere”, he observed, “although I cannot place the accent of the taller one”, he added.

By this time, Jane looked as if she just wanted to wake up in her home ASAP.

Frieda on the other hand, looked as if she could not wait to get her hands on the computer system.

Captain Picard gave them a long look, sighed and ordered them to go with Dr. Crusher to sickbay for a medical check up.

“I wonder if they have a state-of-the-art fitness center here?” whispered Frieda to Jane.

“Who cares?” Jane whispered back. “I promised my kids to be home at midnight and the chocolate that I bought for Aiden and the cereal for Evan  are still in the back of my car. I just want to get home or wake up and know it’s all a dream.”

They followed the elegant doctor to her sci-fi sickbay and were scanned and probed by a battery of interesting looking instruments.

“At least they don't stick needles in you”, remarked Jane. “A pity”, answered Frieda, “we could have sued them if they did.”

“You are both in excellent health”, declared the doctor, “although your cholesterol levels could be lower”, she remarked, addressing Frieda.

“Don’t say it”, snarled Frieda, giving Dr. Crusher a piercing look.” I am NOT giving up my beloved cheese!”

Not wanting to initiate an interstellar battle of wills, the good doctor decided to give it a rest. Frieda looked fierce enough to floor her, and she did not know if the Starfleet Medical Plan covered a broken nose under these circumstances.

She escorted both women to the living quarters of Counselor Troy.

Deanna addressed both women in her weird accent and tried to make them feel at ease. After talking with them for half an hour, she felt exhausted and hailed Riker to fetch them.

“What did you do to her”, asked Riker when he took them to the Captain again.

Jane kept her eyes downcast and Frieda gave him a wide-eyed look and asked in a demure voice what he meant.

“I never saw her so pale and tired after such a short interview”, he elaborated.

“Maybe she should see Dr. Crusher”, suggested Frieda, “she is very competent and pleasant.”

“Ensign Crusher will take you to your quarters”, announced Captain Picard. “You will enjoy our hospitality and we will talk again tomorrow.”

The young, skinny ensign, who looked like a 16-year old computer nerd, showed them to their adjacent living quarters. He gave a short explanation about the working of the computer, the lights, the food replicator, shower and restroom.

After thanking their young escort, they went into their rooms and went to bed.

Chapter II – How it continued….

Captain Picard was standing in the conference room, looking at his officers seated around the oval table.

“Do any of you have an explanation?” he asked. “May be they are Romulan spies, acting on outdated information”, suggested Worf. “That would account for their weird clothes. I do not trust the taller one”, he added, “although she was brave to try and walk through me.”

“She tried to walk through you?” laughed Geordi. “That must be the first time that a female tried to do that”, he added. “That is not a laughing matter”, replied Worf.

“I find it illogical”, stated Data. “If she wanted to walk through the corridor, it would have been a lot easier to bypass Commander Worf. If, on the other hand, she wanted to initiate courtship, there must be a more efficient way than propelling oneself into the intended.”

“She did NOT want to start a courtship”, grumbled Worf.

“I disagree”, interjected Counselor Troy, “she finds you sexy”.

“Were you able to scan their minds, Counselor?” asked Captain Picard hastily.

“ I was only partly successful,” she answered. “They are firm friends and obviously care for one another. They seem to be from Earth, 21^st Century, Europe.

The dainty one, Jane, is a mother of two and very concerned about her children. She is a well-respected professional and has strong beliefs and a high ethical code. The other one, Frieda, is far more puzzling. She was analyzing all the people she met here. Her observations were quite graphic. I had to stop probing her when she made a mental threat”.

“Are you telling me that she is an empath, Counselor?” inquired Captain Picard.

“No, she just made a lot of rather satirical observations”, she replied.

“Fascinating Counselor, could you please elaborate?” asked Mr. Data.

When Counselor Troy started fidgeting with her notepad, Riker perked up and said teasingly, “Oh, come on Deanna, it can not be that bad!”

“Yes, it is”, snapped Deanna, “and she is not too taken with you as well!”

“ I want a full oral report now, Counselor!” demanded Captain Picard.

 “When I asked her how she felt about being here, she answered that she never had such an interesting dream before. She told me that she dreams in colors, sounds and smells, so being here fits into her dream patterns.

When I asked her what she wanted to do here, she said, that IF she was stuck here, she would like to learn as much as possible.

The problems began when I asked her impression of the officers on board of the Enterprise. After reading her mental observation of us, I had to abort when she threatened to empty a jug of water over what she called “that rats’ nest on your head that you think is a coiffure” if I did not get out of her mind at once.”

“Well, your hair does add a few inches to your height”, remarked Geordi, trying to be helpful.

“She speaks French”, Picard asked hopefully. “Yes, but do not think that she is a compatriot of yours”, snapped Deanna, “she referred to you as “that arrogant French twit”. Picard mumbled something under his breath and tugged at this uniform, a sure sign that he was embarrassed.

“Did she make more analytic remarks about the crew?” asked Data, completely spellbound.

“She seems to have gotten under your skin, Deanna”, chuckled Riker.

“IF you really want to know, Will Riker, she wonders how “pretty boy Riker” got his present rank. She thinks that you are as exciting as an empty milk carton”.

“But empty milk cartons are not useful at all, Counselor, but obsolete”, remarked Data, raising his eyebrows.

“I think that’s the point she was making, Data”, answered his friend Geordi.

“Was there anybody she was positive about?” Geordi wanted to know.

“Yes, it seems that she finds you and Worf professional and competent. According to her, Commander Worf is also sexy, especially his voice and a certain part of his physique.”

All eyes were focused on Worf who seemed to blush (as far as one can tell with a Klingon) and who mumbled something about “having good taste”.

The Captain made the managerial decision to adjourn.

Frieda was the first one of the two friends to wake up. She remembered the instructions of the Crusher Kid and activated the lights and the shower.

She crossed her room to the food replicator in the wall to get a coffee.

That turned out to be far more complicated than she thought.

Instead of just providing a nice, warm double cappuccino, it wanted to know

1) the exact temperature of the drink, 2) the coffee/milk ratio 3) the amount of fluid ounces/ milliliters and 4) what kind of china or glass she wanted the drink to be served in.

What really upset her was the fact that the computer informed her that there was NO caffeine inside the drink.

After inquiring if the replicator was designed by Microsoft, the computer started to spout all product specifications, stock quotations and equities presently held by the Microsoft Conglomerate.

In the middle of her discourse with the computer, Jane came in.

“This is still a weird dream”, remarked Jane. They looked looked at one antoher and concluded that it was, indeed, a weird dream.

“I am hungry”, announced Jane. Frieda  looked nervous. She knew that her gentle friend could turn into something dangerous if she was not fed at appropriate times.

“I fiddled with the replicator”, she said, “So let’s try to get you something”.

“OK, here it goes. Computer, one bowl, with Cheerios, and milk. And one spoon of sugar.”

“Please state the ratio of Cheerios/milk. Please state temperature of milk. Please state fat content and calcium content of milk. Please state form, shape, and color of bowl. Please state if bowl should be glass of ceramics. Please state size of spoon. Please choose material of spoon”

“There we go again” Frieda, and added “Computer, one bowl of glass, transparent.  Please fill bowl ¾ with Cheerios, add milk, 3% fat. Milk should be 10 degrees Celsius. The spoon should be silver and dessert size."
“Your order has been processed. You can take your bowl. Enjoy your meal”.

“Don’t you want to eat?” inquired Jane, munching away at her breakfast.

“No, I will have another cappuccino. They only have decaf, believe it or not. What do people do around here to get their buzz?”

“The crew gets their excitement out of physical exercise in the fitness room and on the holodeck”, volunteered the computer.

Frieda set up straight and said to Jane that she would love to work out.

“Our main worry it to get out of here”, reprimanded her friend.

“Your are right of course”, sighed Frieda, “Although it is a pity. I could get permission from Dr. Crusher and work out with some of those good-looking guys that run around here. For this being my dream, I am not much in control”, she added sadly.

Chapter III – How it ended….

“Captain Picard to Jane and Frieda”, sounded Captain Picard’s voice via the intercom, “Please meet me at the bridge.”

“There goes nothing”, remarked Frieda after they left their rooms. The impressive Commander Worf was waiting for them in the corridor.

“You don’t trust us, do you?” stated Frieda. “You are wrong, I do trust your friend”, answered Worf, looking down at her. Frieda gave him one of her direct stares and remarked with a big smile that he had excellent taste.

He abruptly turned around and marched ahead of them to the turbo lift, that was already occupied with several personnel members.

“Was it something I said”, Frieda whispered to Jane with twinkling eyes.

“Don’t upset him”, hissed Jane. “Don’t worry” Frieda said, shrugging her shoulders, “his bark is worse than his bite”. At this remark, several personnel members started to snigger, hastily covering it up by coughing.  Worf made a sound deep in his chest that sounded like rumbling thunder.

“I request you to be silent”, bellowed Worf. “OK”, answered Frieda, tilting her head and giving him another  innocent grin.

Arriving at the bridge, Worf sped out of the turbo lift like a bat out of hell.

“Did something upset you, Mr. Worf?”, asked Captain Picard.

Worf went to the console of his workstation without giving an answer.

“Did you ladies sleep well?” Picard politely asked.

“All we want is going home, and as quickly as possible,” Jane answered.

“We still do not know how you arrived here, so therefore we do not know how to get your back were you came from. Do you have any clues?”

“No, we looked up at the starry sky and suddenly there was this blinding light. The next moment, we were here. We did not see any abnormalities or shooting stars. We did not even see airplanes! We did not feel being transported. One moment we were there and, pouf, the next one we were here.”

“Captain, I know of only one explanation…”, started Riker. “Exactly, Number One, it has to be…Q!”

At that precise moment, a figure of an arrogant man in his mid-forties appeared. He had a smirk on his face and was dressed in captain’s uniform; identical to the one that Picard was wearing.

“So you finally figured it out, mon capitain?” he inquired with one eyebrow raised. “Puzzling, wasn’t is? And it was so easy to figure it out! Look at them; they are obviously from your little planet. Although I must say that they are far less hysterical than I anticipated. I was looking forwards to see Riker and Worf schlepping around with two swooning maidens. Seems they are of sterner staff than I thought.”

“And who might you be?” interrupted Frieda rudely.

Q erected himself to his full length and informed her that he was Q, a Superior Being.

This put Jane in a rage, who informed him in no uncertain terms, that pretending to be the Almighty was blasphemy and that she would not put up with it.

Picard hastily interfered and explained that Q was no deity of any sort, but an alien who mastered time and space. He also gave a brief overview of his previous dealings with Q.

Q draped himself against a console, trying to look elegant.

He addressed Jane is a bored tone. “You don’t like to be instructed on conduct, do you? You are as pious and boring as Picard and Riker.”

“It has nothing to do with being pious”, shouted Frieda. “It has to do with moral fiber, something you obviously don't know anything about. Besides that, you are as boring and arrogant as my blind dates”.

Q, who had never being shouted at, let alone to be accused of being boring, looked thoroughly shaken.

“I will return the wenches to their point of origin immediately,” he informed his captivated audience, “they did not play the part I had allotted to them. How extraordinary”.

“May be your knowledge of the human species leaves much to be desired”, remarked Picard in a clipped voice.

In a flash, Frieda and Jane were back at their cars. The time that had elapsed was only five minutes.

“Let’s make this clear”, Jane said, “We had some kind of shared dream and we are going home now.”

“Precisely”, answered her friend.

They got into their cars and drove home.

“Mummy, your are late”, yelled Aiden from upstairs as soon as she heard her mother entering the house.

“Did you get my chocolate?” she asked.

“Sure”, answered Jane, “and cereal as well”. “How was it?” asked Evan, helping himself to another soft drink. “Oh, we talked about work, books, movies, you know the normal stuff. Then we realized it was already close to midnight, so we got into our cars and drove home. Nothing special.”

“Boring”, Aiden thought with all the arrogance of youth, “but what can you expect from these two old women? Nothing exciting ever happens to them anyway”.

Captain Picard ordered a cup of hot Earl Grey tea from the replicator.

Sipping it slowly, he mentally went over the events again. He had the nagging feeling that he somehow knew the two of them. He asked the computer for all the records relating to his two unexpected guests.

He carefully went through all of them, nodded, smiled and closed the files.

Frieda drove home and entered her apartment. A huge furry blob that turned out to be a cat greeted her. He blinked at her, yawned and ran to his food bowl. After feeding him, she took a shower and went to bed.

She had a wonderful dream about a tall, gentle giant who looked like…

Worf was having an extremely pleasant dream about his annoying visitor.

Still asleep, he turned around in his bed, flung one arm over his pillow, grunted and smiled.

Deanna Troy was sitting in front of her mirror, experimenting with new hairstyles.

Riker developed a strong aversion against milk and all soft drinks packaged in cartons.

Q is still trying to figure out how those two women were able to verbally make mince meat out of him in front of those fools of the Enterprise.

Just to be sure, he decided to leave the human race alone for another millennium.

 ©2002 Debra Daumier